Androgyny 2

Bri

I knew.

Nino thinks I'm naive. She thinks that somehow she's slick. Like I couldn't see it. I saw it alright; I knew that she wanted him. I knew that they had fucked before I was included...

It hurt at first because I didn't who it was. How could she? To me? With a-with a guy? The enemy? Men have done me so wrong. They lie and cheat and hurt without thought. All of their higher thinking seems to occur below the belt. They're lead by their dicks to be dicks. I gave up on having kids or a marriage or being accepted by the world. They had wounded to many times.

He had said he wanted to marry me.

But he was fucking my best friend.

Nino said she wanted me.

But she was fucking her best friend.

Lie after lie. Overlapping and cocooning me from the truth. She had to work a little more after her shifts or just plain skip our study sessions. No quality time really, just her fucking me whenever she saw me. I surmise she thinks I needed it not to be suspicious. It made me all the more.

Her style was changing. It was so subtle she didn't even see it. It was the way she touched me; she wasn't so-so forceful. Nino was slow and attentive. She would kiss me down my spine making gooseflesh wherever her lips were. She'd suck my breasts so gently, I felt like my pussy was melting in my panties. Nino would bend me over, spread my legs, or let me ride her...but it was excruciatingly deliberate. Like every stroke with her strap-on held another meaning.

She was usually domineering. I'd feel like she was consuming me in her want of me. Nino would hike up my dress. Finger fuck me in public. I'd beg her for release knowing I didn't want it; I desired being tortured. I lusted to be dominated by her and that plastic dick. Her appetite for me had dwarfed that of any man I'd ever been with. Nino was insatiable. Non-comprimising. Nino fucked so good, it would be tears to my eyes. A volatile mix of pleasure and pain that would have me squirting my release on her sheets. She was my perfect man; one with a fake dick that wouldn't make her a dick but fucked like it was real.

How wrong was I?

Selfish. Arrogant. Cocksure. Nino was a man, worse even because she had no excuse to act like she did. Had Nino not been hurt? Of course not; she'd been gay forever I think. She never had the unique experience of having a man rip out her heart. I guess that's what made her like them, that lack of emotional damage.

I didn't confront her about it at first. I loved her so much. My papi. My lesbian Adonis. She could do no wrong. So many women envied me for having her. A lipstick lesbian. If she left...if I pushed her away...I just-I wouldn't get her back. I would be replaced. I couldn't handle that, her not being there. So I did what every woman does when she knows her man is cheating but hasn't really seen it. I ignored it.

At night I would dream of the man that could fuck my papi. I'd imagine him tall and strong and so unaturally handsome that no woman could resist him. His dick was long and thick. His hair perfectly coiffed. His voice would move over your skin like sunshine. He was the ultimate man. A man beyond understanding.

He made her suck his gorgeous cock. He would have to guide her in how to do it. Nino would take his instruction meekly while struggling to devour him. He teased her nipples and made her gag. His dick would be wet with her effort and then-and then-

I'd wake up so wet. Wet with lust, wet with tears.

I wanted to know this man and his power over my papi. I wanted to hate him and fuck him.

It had been almost two years since I had desired the prescence of the opposite sex. Penis was poison to me. Their musk and their swagger seemed so ridiculous. How did I ever want a man? Weak minded, stupid, children. So inept in their existence that they didn't even know it. Now a shadow of a man, roused my want. I didn't even know who he was or what he looked like but if Nino would cheat on me for what he had I wanted it too.

She couldn't have been more obvious. The porn, jokes, and the conversation. She must've thought I was stupid. I finally cut through the pretext and asked her about what she wanted. Oh how smart did she feel! Inside I laughed at her ignorance. The not knowing of a man trapped in a woman's body...

And Silver...

I only thought-I thought they were just friends. Work buddies. We bought weed from him and he cracked jokes. It all made sense though. Who else could it have been? It was so obvious that she wanted him. The way Nino would size him up; first the joke, then the smile, then the scan from toe to head followed by the lick of the lips. Typical Nino but not typical Silver.

He wasn't Silver in highschool. His name was Giancarlo.

Giancarlo Manley was by far one of the smartest kids in the school. His grades were impeccable. His achievments even more so. He was captain of the debate team, chess club, and business club. MIT had already been scouting him in tenth grade. There was no class he didn't ace. No teacher that wasn't enamoured with him. He was a scholastic prodigy. A genius.

A withdrawn, quiet, severly focused genius. Giancarlo hardly ever spoked to anyone or recognized anyone for that matter. His nose was always in some sort of book and a permanent scowl upon his face. Kids didn't make fun of him because he was so cut off. He was a bundle of nerves, easily frustrated by what he'd call "pointlessness". He never went to any school events that didn't include his clubs and had shown no interests in any human contact. Some thought he was gay but it took only a few minutes of actually talking to him to realize he was just annoyed by people.

I had a crush on him of course.

He was one of the only Trinis in town. Handsome in an odd way and cultured. I was part of the Poetry Club but he wasn't the head. He was just a lover of poetry. He'd write his own and recite it or pick someone else's work and recite. It was the only time I saw him smile. By his senior year he had two friends, Janus Avery-an Oscar Wilde in the making, and Wendy Perez, a goth girl with a mountain size chip on her shoulder. I was junior then-I had skipped a grade-and I wanted so badly to be part of that circle. To be with him.

But then Wendy died from cancer.

Giancarlo didn't talk about it or wanted to be consoled. Only Janus could talk to him and even he could only do it at length. Silver had retreated more into himself and his grief. I wanted to go to him. To say something. I was too scared that he'd push me away so I did nothing...

Now he was back in my life fucking my girl. Funny how fate works.

I knew he was the one fucking her when he slid his dick into her. The familiarity was obvious. He push all the way inside her filling her up, then pulled out every inch agonizingly slow just like Nino had started to do me. I was happy when she told me that Silver was the dick she wanted. When I saw that, I was jealous. Of him for fucking Nino and for Nino cutting me off from him. She didn't know how I had wanted him. Dreamed of him. I had forgotten all about Silver until she mentioned him. Everything came flooding back to me...

After Silver made her cum, it was supposed to be my turn. Sucking him had felt good. His dick had been heaven to all five of my senses. I wanted him to nut in my mouth so badly. I was sharing his dick though. Didn't want to be selfish...like a man. Something in him broke. He looked hurt-like when Wendy died.

It didn't matter. I wanted Silver. I wanted the circle complete and I would have my cake and eat it too.

Nino

Everything seemed alright but it was not alright.

After Silver left that night, things had changed. We joked and shit like usual. He sold me weed. We slacked off at work. Usual shit. Bri was coming up to the job to flirt with me and get some attention like normal too.

When she tried to hug Silver, he shook her hand.

The move was cool and fucking polite that Bri couldn't do nothing but shake the niggas hand. He then gave some lame ass excuse 'bout being somewhere else. He smiled that half-smile and peaced out so quick I ain't have time to say shit.

"What's wrong?" That was Bri. "Did I do something?"

"Fuck if I know," And hell I really didn't fucking know. "He probably just fucking with you."

"I don't know Nino. He seemed kinda distant don't you think?"

No fucking duh, I said in my head. "Nah. You don't know Silver like I do. He get weird like that to fuck with people heads. He do that shit here all the fucking time. Keeps niggas on they toes I guess."

Bri got mad quiet. I could hear the gears turning in her head. Her toes wiggled in her sandals. She was wearing another dress with no bra and probably no thong if I had to guess. Bri had wanted her share of the dick she hadn't got last night. I couldn't hate her for that; I wanted more of what I had last night. Shit was getting dicey though. I couldn't just go by myself to get none. Had to be a team effort now which is exactly what I wanted, both of them.

"If you say so..." Bri hesitated, got quiet, then thought better of it saying, "You think something happened last night? He looked kinda spooked. I mean, he just...watched us and looked sad."

Damn. I thought she hadn't noticed that shit. She didn't act like it at the time. She was busy being my wifey. Playing her position. Said she had loved me. Said we both enjoyed Silver which we did...

But when she said that shit, he cracked, just a little. I couldn't see it and I didn't know what to do. Was he catching feelings for me? Fuck no. Not Silver. The King of Pimps himself. There had never been a woman that touched that nigga and it definitely wasn't gonna be me...

Dare I to dream? When he looked at me, I wanted to reach out and hug him. Just tell his ass that whatever it was, I'd be there for him. He was my nigga, my ace boon coon...

But Bri was my girl. You couldn't get connected to the jump off. If you needed to, you hand that side piece they walking papers if things got complicated. Tell they ass to kick rocks and get back with the wifey. I couldn't even pretend Silver was like that even though I didn't really know what the fuck he was to me.

"Nino?"

"What?"

"I said, 'Do you think we should talk to him?'" There was a question in her eyes that wasn't the one she just asked. "What's the matter with you? I've been saying your name for like a minute now."

"Nothing. He was supposed to help me with these damn price changes even though he walked away with the telezon. Whatever is fucking with him got him thinking assbackwards."

Bri looked at me in a way that made me know she wasn't buying my bullshit even though she said, "I don't see why you won't come down to Convergys with me. I'm a team lead. I could get you a job no problem."

I clucked my tongue. "Shiiiiiitin' me! Sit all day and take calls from them assholes all day? I'd get fired in the first fucking hour. Ain't nobody gonna be talking to me any kinda way and I can't sit my ass like that."

"Oh I forgot. You gotta work on keepin' that model figure yours."

"You know you love me."

"Well," She gave me a quick peck. "I do love my papi" Her face turned serious. "You really need to talk to him though. He seems like he's in pain."

And I might be the cause. "Don't worry boo, I got that. See you when you get off of work."

"Love you."

"Love you too."

There I was behind the paint counter with all these new fucking price tags and shit that I really didn't give a damn about. I had the best fucking girl in the world. A girl that let me have dick and her. But was I going to lose my homeboy in the deal? I had just considered closing that chapter in our relationship. Get back to business as usual. I couldn't do that even if it was the best move I could do. I still wanted them both even though I knew I couldn't.

The next few days, it had become fucking clear that Silver didn't want to deal with me like that anymore. When he saw Bri coming, he'd just leave without saying shit. He sold me weed but he didn't stay to smoke with me. We bullshitted like always but not about fucking. When I saw a fine ass broad, I'd tell him only to get something like, "That's nice" or "She's alright". Silver was putting up walls. To protect who, I didn't know. He wasn't going there with me no more.

I felt so pissed off, not just at him, but at myself. Somehow I had fucked up. Somewhere I made the wrong move. Maybe I shoulda made his ass stay that night. Or I could have put it all out there...with both of them. I loved Bri and I hated to admit it but I think I might...

No. Fuck no. Hell no! Never that. I can't get fucking caught up. Dick was for play. Pussy was for life.

But his dick was so good. When I thought about, I'd feel it. Splitting me and driving into me without fucking mercy. It was the type of dick that made you lay down and take it. He'd wine his hips inside my pussy. Barely even fucking move. Then he'd rub my clit until my back would rise off the bed and he'd just stop and let me catch my breath.

In and out. Rub my clit. Bring me close to orgasm but wouldn't let me. Then repeat.

That almost orgasm would ebb and flow like the tides until it just washed me into ecstasy. I'd cum so fucking hard that I literally didn't know what do with myself. I'd be drowning in pleasure as he fucked the shit outta me. Just cumming and cumming until I couldn't tell where one began and the other ended.

It wasn't just the dick. I've had bigger than them nine he was packing and it would just hurt. A nigga would try to kill me with the dick and say some dumb shit like, "I'ma fuck you straight" or "I bet the real thing is better." Stupid, ignorant ass diarrhea of the fucking mouth. Fucked up what little mojo I'd have going.

Damn niggas were stupid. You would think they could wait until after they fucked me to brag and shit. Oh no, they gotta do it right then while they fucking me. I'd have to ignore they ass and remember; it was just the cock. After them clowns leave, I lose there goddamn numbers. One hitter quitter. The fuck I need some jackass that got a big dick and still don't know what to do with it? And they'd always call back. Every fucking time and I'd tell them same shit.

"I got my nut. I hope you got yours."

Click.

If I don't waste my breath with females I be dammned if I start with a male. A male I was never planning on talking to again.

Silver. He knew just what to do. He didn't talk shit. If anything he made jokes. I was comfortable. Never once did he think him fucking was gonna change me. He knew I was a dyke before his dick and he knew I would be one after. He is all about pleasing, hedonist that he is. The nigga just wanted to give you the dick and put a smile on your face. He was roll dawg and he understood me. Maybe even better than Bri.

I finally got to talk to him after work. He tried to leave without saying bye to me or nothing. Straight to the front of the store, grocery side past the McDonalds. I was waiting for his ass; I clocked out early and posted up talking to the greeter Ms. Milly, a dark skinned, smiling woman, that was the den mother of the store.

Silver was walking mad fast, hands shoved in his pockets, not staring at anyone. His Naruto shoulder bag swung back in forth in time with his steps. He looked upset and lost. There was no smile on his face.

"Heeeeey Silver!" Ms Milly said in her southern drawl.

Silver looked up and the smile was on his face. Fixed like some fucking mask. I almost seen past when he looked at me. "How are ya Ms. Milly?!"

"Oh you know me sugar. My hip bothering me a bit but I'm alright."

He nodded then cocked his head to her chair. "I see they finally got you a place to sit. That should help."

Silver was looking at me through the corner of his eyes. I mouthed, "We need to talk." He nodded.

"It does a little," She said rocking her round body side to side. "But I don't like sitting, 'specially when I'm supposed to be working."

"And you know everybody at Walmart gotta work."

Ms. Milly laughed. "Ain't that the truth sugar. I'ma let you two go."

"See ya later Ms. Milly. You have a good night."

"You too sugar. You take care Nino."

"I will Ms. Milly. Don't work too hard."

We both walked through the foyer, past the carts, and threw the sliding doors without saying a word. Then all the way back to where our cars were parked. I had a white Avalanche. Silver had a blue Honda Civic. I thought we were going to get into our cars without saying anything until Silver said, "You were waiting to talk to me so talk."

"What the fuck is up with you man? You've been avoiding me."

He looked away and nodded. "I have." Silence. He didn't sf anything more. We just stood there trying not to stare at each other. I was shifting my weight from foot to foot. Silver was as still as death.

"So?" I said.

"So what?"

"Why? We supposed to be tight dude."

He sighed. "I'm just going threw somethings now."

Again, he didn't clarify. It was the elephant in the room; it was because of what happened that night with Bri. If I brought it up, the things said behind couldn't be taken back. All the shit would be out there. This was killing me though. Not knowing whether my friend would stop being so because he fucked me. I didn't want to lose either.

Cars drifting up and down the lanes. The wind was cool and the sun was dying in the sky.

I gritted my teeth and asked, "Is this about-"

"Its got nothing to do with that." He said sharply. The base in his voice was new. It got me a bit turned on. "I got shit on my mind now Nino. Just-just give me some time..."

I nodded. He gave me a pound. I whispered, "I'm here for you" as I slapped him on the back.

"I know." He answered. "I know."

Silver

He remembers the rhythmic hiss and beeps being the only things in the room that made noise. Sunlight poured weakly through the windows revealing the dust motes floating in the air. The smell reminded him sterility juxtaposed with decay.

Part of him didn't want to come here. Being here made it real. He couldn't hide behind ignorance. Distance would not comfort him. The realization of what was to come could not be ignored.

He walks across the floor, nervously, dread making his every step heavy. His mind yelled at him to turn back knowing that he couldn't. The rapport of his feet hitting the ground seemed to echo in his soul.

There is a girl in the bed. It is only by the loose pale skin around her neck that one would know that she weighed more. There are piercings in her nose and lips and several on each ear. Her nose is like a button in her once round face. Her lips full even through her sickness. A headscarf hiding her baldness.

The young man watches her, afraid to disturb what little rest she is getting. His heart is heavy with so many regrets. There is much for him to say and he is not sure how to say it. He has a gift for saying things in the right way. The gift does nothing here.

The girl's eyes open with struggle. He forces a smile that he doesn't have.

"There ya go slugger." the girl says. "All thirty two."

The boy makes a crude joke about having his wisdom teeth pulled. The girl laughs at the off color humor then goes into a fit of coughing. The boy rushes to get a nurse only for the girl to wave off the fit casually. He pulls up a chair cautiously to her side. The boy wants to be strong for her but he had never been able to match her fortitude.

Life had never been fair to the girl. The boy knows this personally. Her mother being a crack addict, her uncle molesting, being bounced from group home to group home. Being raped by people who shouldn't have the right to children. There had been so much suffering. Not like his. His was were two parents that shoved their expectations on them. They expected him to be better. Drove him to exhaustion to do so. He could deal with his and be rid of them. It was not the same for her.

And now this. Life had dealt her another injustice. He had asked God why she had to endure this. It wasn't fair. None of it ever was for her.

"You're doing good," she says weakly. "Janus was blubbering more than Sally and Cara. Cried like a little bitch. Like cancer had spread through his system."

Sally and Cara. Her parents. Two old lesbians that finally gave her a home. Ridiculed in their little backwater town. Janus. Openly gay. Openly persecuted for it. "Janus the Anus" they called him. He would cry, the boy thinks. The girl was the only one who understood.

The boy tries to joke but he can't. He cries. It rushes out of him and he can't stop it. He doesn't want to it. He had been holding it in since they spotted the lump. Then they had to cut one of her breasts off. That had been enough to sate the sickness. Then there was the chemo. The boy knew he waching her die. Wasting away like a plant with no water or sun. It had been too much.

The girl reaches out through her own pain to stroke his cheek. She says nothing as he holds her spindely hand. His tears provide more warmth than she has.

They stay like that. Him sobbing and her watching him quietly. "You should write a poem, " she says finally. "About this. You should write one for me."

He protests. He is angry that she makes such light of this situation. He is angry that this is happening. He is angry that he can't stop it.

The grief pours out of him so thick that the air seems to shrink about him. His pain is stealing his breath.

"You can't die with me Silver." she says simply. "You have to live. For you. For me."

He says no. The boy refuses fanatically as if it would be unthinkable for him to go on. He says he needs her, here, with him and Janus and Sally and Cara. She has to stay. It would be cruel for her to go because-

"I know. I do too. I always have. I wish-I wish I wasn't so afraid Silver. I wanted to be with you...but after all that happened, I didn't think I could risk it. If I only followed my heart maybe-" the girl pauses and coughs. It takes a few minutes before she is back to herself. She continues. "But I ran out of time Silver and I'm so sorry, more than you'll ever know. You got to promise me you won't make the same mistake. You have to live Silver. Enjoy your life. Never let anybody take your joy. Now promise me."

He swears on everything he loves. The boy holds her hand to his cheek and fat tears roll down his cheeks. Never had he felt so helpless.

The boy stays with her until night covers the world. He struggles not to sleep. The boy needs to cherish every moment with her. It is not until her parents force him to go that he leaves. The girl reminds him to work on her poem. He promises to have it the next day for her.

Tomorrow he will have her poem but the girl will never get the chance to read it.